Good question, right? Change is good. Change is bad. Change is frightening.
No – Change “is” nothing. It’s what I make of it, it’s what the change is doing with me, inside me, what “makes” the change. Why am I writing this? Well, because change is going to happen and how better to write about feelings, needs and change than to show my own experience?
What happened (observation): The customer where I earn my money being a project manager for international project teams decided that from April on, homeoffice will not be allowed for external staff anymore.
What that did to me (emotions): It pissed me off…sorry. I immediately got angry, I felt all kinds of turmoil rising within myself, I felt anger, fear and disappointment.
Why did that happen inside me (needs): Well, so far I have been able to maintain an accepted balance between my work for the customer and my family life. Both are important for me – I want to be seen as dependable and reliable as a professional consultant and at the same time being close to my family is something that I don’t want to miss anymore. In addition to that I was immediately worried because I want to be able to support my wife, give her some easiness in those times where I can take the boys, give her a bit more room and also to be able to contribute to the life of both wife and children. All that seems to be in danger right now – or at least it looks like I can have those needs fulfilled less than before.
What I did with it: Well, at first I simply allowed myself to be angry, to fear. I strongly believe that this is very important. Connecting to yourself and realizing what it going on – even going into “authentic self-expression”. That doesn’t mean that I run around hitting people, it means that I realize what is going on inside me and if someone asks – be authentic: “I am angry, I hate this decision, it seems to rob me of a lot of things that I have been working for, right now I have the feeling that I am not appreciated here, my work is not appreciated.” Honestly – that is ok! Even if it might be the person that wrote the mail with the with the bad news, even if it is a superior.
Next step was self-empathy. Basically doing what I described above. I checked what happened (observation), I realized my feelings that came with it (emotions), I tried to find out what it was, that really troubled me (needs unmet) and finally I decided to write a mail to that superior and ask for a personal conversation, partly explaining why I wish to have that conversation (request).
There you have it – the 4 steps of non-violent-communication.
What happened then: Well, by the time I was entering the superior’s office the next day I was ready to not go into the talk with demands on my mind. I simply wanted to make him see what is going on inside me and I was actually ready to listen to him, as well, and hear his reasons – or rather his feelings and needs behind it, to understand what led him to that decision.
That does not make my situation better, it does not make him withdraw his decision but it made him understand what his decision does to me and it made me understand what drove him.
I believe with all my heart that this will eventually lead into a situation where both our needs will be met – even if it is not today or tomorrow.
Comments are welcome, tell me if this helps you in any kind, if you can relate to this or if this sounds utterly strange to you – anything 🙂
Warm and heartfealt greetings